Painter.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:02:36 GMT

just talk to me, dammit.
just talk to me.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:44:48 GMT

so, out the door, you won't find me here

i am up! today, i'm gonna get tanned!
the sun's up, feeling pretty much better
about everything. will settle invoice today,
go to the gym again, probably take an afternoon nap :]

one man's loss is another man's gain

meantime, this lj will do.
at least i know it's gonna be with me all the time.
not gonna be busy, not gonna leave me alone,
it's gonna be here, for me.
i never did like people,
that's one thing i've never been wrong on.

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:20:26 GMT

if say,

my life were to be dependent on moods,
(both mine and others)
and apologies made up for the swings,
what would i be taking myself for?

get this right: i am not a joke,
nor am i a punching bag.
i'd listen without interruption if you need me,
but don't take it for granted.

wenting, 2days. natural?

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:29:50 GMT

got my life back on track

ting is washing her feet now while
talking to me, super pwnage PWNNNNNN!!!1111111
can't wait till we go dinner tomorrow,
so much shit to catch up on.

jap food with shyna on wednesday

meeting tina on thursday

OHOHOH! anyway, all the best to weisiong and his pilot test :)

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:21:32 GMT

i am, disturbed.

disgusted, almost.

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:18:59 GMT

You do, you don't

The first time I wont regret
One look into your eyes and I'll never forget
But you're not about to jump right into
This tonight
Wondering just what to do
Every single second in the room with you
I can't talk this over
To win you over
Here tonight

So open your eyes
don't say goodnight
Wondering why
Alone tonight
I'll just let it go for you

I'm letting you down
You are just hiding it so well
You're giving me no sign
No interest
You don't really want this, you don't really want this
So right now
Are you gonna try to save yourself
I bet you're so sick
Of hearing it
You don't really want this, you don't really want this

So hard to get, is that what it's gonna be?
Sitting down not even looking at me
I hope forever
I wont remember
This tonight
So out the door
Gone away
Running so fast through the pouring rain
Gone forever
So much better
Here tonight

I'd throw it all away for you
If you took another look you'd be back so soon
All alone, a dark cold night
Wrapped around, you better hold on tight

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:53:25 GMT

Whistle for the choir

So, i've decided to house in the condo
for a week, maybe.
Just to get my mind off things,
get fit, and tryna get my appetite back.

Got my own kitchen,
own bedroom, own toilet, own couch.
This should all sum up to own mind too, right?!

Talked with mom about it this morning,
I may move out again as soon as I want.
Maybe I should, you know, not rely so much
on anyone, including my parents.

I'm still contemplating whether I should
get back to work in the cafe.
I am getting bored with all the time I have to myself.
It's like, plan for 2 months, work for 3 days,
and I'd probably have enough to last me for a mth.
So during that month, I'm rotting.
During workshop days, I work no more than twice a week :\

Hopefully I can put some brains to good use!
Okay, I'm going to head off for a swim now!
then, later xoxo gossip girl!

pfft, i wish i had friends i could invite over :\

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 17:38:36 GMT

Something's terribly wrong and we all know it.

I need help, I really need help.
To be honest, my head hurts from all that sleep.
The hardest part is waking up, knowing that I'd have to face
everything again, at least for 4 hours, before I can take
the pills to sleep again.

When I sleep, I don't need to think.
When I don't think, I don't have to feel.

I don't have to feel stressed,
I don't have to feel lousy,
I don't have to feel at all.

This sleep is treating me fairly well in a highly bimbotic manner!
My pimples are half gone (because I'm not rotting outside under the sun)
and my eyebags are HALF GONE AS WELL!
And I lost 7kg in 2 days,
abit weak to be doing anything for now,
but I think i'll be physically better in a few days.
Got a jap buffet on Wednesday :D

I will get better, I will I will.
Sometimes, I wish I was a player again.
Nothing good about it, but I don't hurt myself
so foolishly, at least.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 16:33:36 GMT

I'm not the kind of person to think so much

Wah piang, my cough is killing me nonstop man
i tell you. my hair is annoying me still,
though i cut it not so long ago!

tomorrow i will get back on track.
this weekend is too much man, too much.
TOMORROW, I WILL COLLECT STOCK,
PLAN ALL MY MEETINGS WELL,
NOT GET MY ATTENTION DIVERTED.

TOMORROW I WILL GYM, SWIM, DIET.

i will not bloody eat, because i want to look proper,
and non hag like.

next week :D

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 11:41:09 GMT

SHIT DIANA, SHITTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, die.
anyway, i just settled clementiw's proposal.
chhyeah!

abit worried for chase the goose, still.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 09:36:19 GMT

i think i'm more ready today than i'll be tuesday.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 03:59:35 GMT

check

this is morning,
and it's not all too easy
when all i freaking do these days is sit around
waiting for nothing at all.

i was honestly quite good without this.
honestly quite strong,
took me awhile to get there.
took me months to learn how to be infallable almost.

and i still don't think i deserve this.

i swear i didn't do anything wrong,
didn't do anything insensitive,
didn't hurt anyone.
i know i'm being uptight about it,
because for the first time,
i know this isn't my fault.
but i mustve done sth wrong to derserve this.

today's sunday.
just two more days.
from then, i will not be contactable.
from then, lj will 100% locked.
from then, noone will know a thing about me.
and i'll learn to keep my life private,
and i'll learn to not open up so easily.
and i'll learn not to trust.
and i'll revert back to being a cynic.
and i'll believe noone has any good for me.
and i'll learn to live through all that mess.

2 days will be more than enough.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:30:21 GMT

Sweetest Goodbye.

I just sent one of the longest emails of my life,
I don't like typing so long anyway.
Don't know why I'm feeling the way I do,
but I feel so horrid and lousy.

Went to town today alone, stoned and rotted like
never before. Allowing all sort of thoughts to seep in.
I don't really know what to do, you know.
It doesn't help when I told you I don't have friends,
and I meant it????????

I don't feel like working,
I don't feel like doing anything anymore,
till everything is fucking over.

-

Maybe that's why they say karma bites straight up
your ass.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 05:20:10 GMT

Now as the summer fades, I let you slip away.

Sometimes you move so well,
it's hard not to give in.
I'm lost, I can't tell
where you end and I begin.

I feel a little better than I did before,

If I never see your face again,
I don't mind.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 03:30:27 GMT

Damaged.

You can't handle your emotions well,&
I don't deserve this.

You ought to know my tolerance for this
won't get past today.
You made me happy so many times over,
but This time,
those times get you nowhere.

Sorry, I've decided.

I'm shutting you out.

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:56:56 GMT

Free-falling.

Sometimes, there are things, neither of us need to know.

I look at myself and I wonder, am I the person you've always thought
I could be, maybe more, maybe better, maybe tougher,

but just not in this state, I know.

It's getting a little crazy, having my phone right smack out in front of me.
Thought about you, thought about them.
I'll never get any closer to you, and sometimes, it'll never be about time.

I don't want to have to do the whole countdown till the days
you'd be mine again, and this isn't something on the romantic row.
I hear voices, I keep hearing them,
telling me to not do this, or that,
because if I do, I'll never be like you.
You're beautiful and even if I were to repeat myself a thousand times over,

you will never believe me.

You,
Sometimes, not saying anything doesn't mean I feel nothing.

Slept past morning, because that's when it gets to me most.

Noone'll get me.
Just trust me,
neither will you

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:04:09 GMT

Now it's way too late

(Very random, but probably the silliest thing she's done for me)

i know you hate me,
but i miss you too

Next week, next week!
----

I feel so fucked,
it's 236, starting the 7 day count down,
hopefully it works, like you said it would.

Killed my cards today,
shopped nonstop. I can't accept the fact that I've
been walking away from my aunt, my mom and my dad,
when I can't handle their comments.
Like, seriously? Something's wrong with me.
I just walk off in front of their face.
Like, I just fucking fade in and out of their lives.
I think there's a limit to everything,
especially things that I can handle.

For a start, I don't think I can handle the fact that I'm doing tonight alone.
I've rid the whole solely dependent on people shit,
so now, what's wrong with me.
Havent been able to get started on any work since the last meeting.
Need to do up next meeting dates and all.
Fuck man, fuck.

I want steak, I want steak, i want steak.

Haha, I forgot what it's like to be treated right. :\

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:27:14 GMT

1. Tina Tan
2. Choy jialing
3. Sue Lastrie
4. Hamizah
5. Shyna Chow
6. Sue Ann
7. Olivia
8. Fyerool Dharma
9. Iefa
10. Joo Lee Lee
11. Sasha Lim
12. Stephanie Seet
13. Veronica Calma

THE QUESTIONS: 

1. How did you meet 2?
Sec3! Then me and sue and shaf stalked her when we found out she moved to boonlay!

2. What would you do if you never met 6? 
I better meet 6!

3. What would you do if 2 and 9 dated?
They would outwit each other and die die die in the hands of each other!

4. Did you ever like 8: 
Fye, don't dream.

5. Would 1 and 5 be a good couple: 
Fuck, no! But 1 and i would be good. 5 and i would be good too!

6. Is number 11 gay/lesbian: 
Tough shit question, I don't think so!

7. Would you tell secrets to 5: 
Almost everything ;)

8. What is your first memory of 2: 
She looked like a...fellow butch :x

9. Do you know any of 1's family members: 
WE are family.

10. What's 10's favorite color? 
White, because her face is whitewashed!

11. What would you do if 9 confessed he/she liked you? 
I'd say, don't cheat on #10!

12. What language does 3 speak: 
English, bahasa melayu, indonesian language, gibber, hamster sounds

13. Who is 9 going out with: 
Doink

14. What grade is 12 in: 
Same as me! No grade!

15.When did you last see 7: 
Haha, more than a year ago

16. What is 5's favorite band: 
She likes techno?!

17. Would you ever date 12: 
12 must make up her mind want to be girl or boy first!

18. Is 1 hot:
HOT, IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

19. Is 12 single: 
No, but don't you dare dream about it.

20. Would you ever want to be in a serious relationship with 1: 
I strongly believe we are in one! hehe

21. Where does 8 go to school:
Lasalle, but soon to be Pulau Tekong! hehe

22. What's 4's best physical feature: 
legs!

23. Are number 7 & 8 best friends: 
Fye would die.

24. Is 8 a girl or boy: 
That javanese dancer just can't make up his mind!

25. Who is 5 in love with: 
(silence)

26. What is your last memory of 7: 
I get mad at her every time we talk :s

27. Have you ever hooked up with 4:
We were once engaged! HEHE

28. What is the funniest memory of 8: 
Funniest and most recent memory is when he had a group called MISS FYE?

29. What is your relationship with 6:
Secret Lover

30. How old is 13: 
Same age as Singapore urh!

31. How close are you with 1: 
(silence)

32. Would you sleep with 12: 
NO! Refer to Question 17

33. What is your favorite memory with 3: 
o921

34. Who's 11 best friends with: 
#6

35. What's your favorite thing about 2: 
We stay in Boonlay together and her phone is/was occupied 80% my pictures!

----

#1 if your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
- Errr, probably not give much shit.

#2 if you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
- Produce works overnight and have them flown overseas magically and hold a solo exhibition

#3 If your house was on fire, what is the one thing you would take to preserve?
- My freaking self?!

#4 What would you do with a billion dollars?
- Invest in Australian Fix Deposit >:\

#5 what's your ideal lover like?
- Someone who'd stay up all night, to hear me talk about my day (tina!)

#6 which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
- loving someone.

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
- Noone catches fish by sitting arond :p

#8 what is your greatest wish now?
- Have all schools take up my wkshps!

#9 is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
- Almost everything, honestly.

#10 What cheers you up the fastest?
- Tina's laugh, but urh, haha, not now i know.

#11 how do you see yourself in ten years time?
- Haggard

#12 who are currently the most important people to you?
- Most important doesn't mean the rest aren't important. (But here goes, Tina, Suelastrie, Jialing, My mom, C'est Art people)

#13 what kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
- ...

#14 would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
- Single & rich

#15 what do you do during the holidays?
- Like now? Work.

#16 would you give all in a relationship?
- always.

#17 if you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
- if you can fall for two, it wouldn't be love, would it?

#18 what type of friends do you like?
- (silence)

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 02:35:43 GMT

you don't have to move

i'm most agitated today,
because people are making me guess,
and not being direct.
the worse part is,
it's really stupid practical qtns.

"what did you have for lunch?"
re: what do you think

"where're you now"
re: guess/ you don't need to know/ i'll be reaching lah

"are you meeting me?"
re: what the fuck, diana

seriously, just give me the goddamn yes/no or answer okay?
simple.
i ask, you answer.
don't piss me off, because i'm this close to shutting myself out.
again.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:00:32 GMT

"We need to hire instructors, now, good gang uh baik!"

A very small insight on how we run our company!
A day in the life of the 4 mongers.

THE PEOPLE BEHIND C'EST ART + IEFA (behind the camera)

Your Favorite SAM, and my 3 (wo)men.
(it's like, everytime when we walk from brasbasah to PS, it rains? so we stop at SAM, somehow)

They pose, and they pose....

We eat and we eat....

& i eat more at home...

Our students first shot at lino

& this is what we are :]

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:56:11 GMT

You don't have to speak

Just completed up my inventory list and invoice check.
Rather gloomy night suddenly for me.

You know the kind of feeling when you know
you need to let someone know something?
but situation doesn't call for it,
the person's attitude is in the way,
and you know there's not going to be an outcome even so.

So how?

-

Went to west coast with mom to emo away,
with jackfruit desserts.
dad's having pms so it's really annoying everything,
i have this feeling that everyone's mad at me in someway or another.

I have no idea why can't anyone
just fucking just support just fucking support me.
Expectations are getting higher each time I give in.

Fuck it man,
sign peace treaty.
come on, lets go now.
NOW.

-

My cute students from Crescent :)

hehe, my own horsey :x

C'est Art's very first :) 28-30may

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 09:50:12 GMT

It's been a day or so, I know it's kinda late

Nothing much, nothing much lately.
Just completely Crescent workshop,
pretty much all that I've got.
Tomorrow will be a pretty busy day, having to take stock and material listing.
Need to do my inventory tonight.

Sometimes, the void doesn't get me.
Sometimes, I run away and hide.
Sometimes, I close and eyes,
and inside I know I just can't try.

Haha, reform conform transform.

-

I barely go out to shop.
I eat good food, drink good coffee,
do my work, and wait for night to come.
Cause that's when Tina call :]

My study room is now my official storeroom and work studio.

I just hired my mother for my Operations Manager.
How warped is that?

-

Actually, I have a lot of shit running through my mind now,
but it's hard.
It's hard trying to open up again.
As emo as this sounds,
I've sewn myself up so perfectly,
it took me a lot to get to where I am now.
I cannot and will never let my emotions lead me by the nose.

My work is important,
I'm stupid enough to need only one friend,
and if that's all that I've got,
I'm doing good.

-

I think the fact that I know that I'm losing friends,
losing interests in social activities,
losing my hair,
and yet,
not doing a thing about it?
Makes me question,
were they even friends, was I even a friend to them.
Were those social activities, or was I made the believe they were.
Was my hair a bloody wig?

-

Exhibition in Oct10.
I really cannot wait.
SPH HERE I COME

Wed, 14 May 2008 18:13:46 GMT

Life is a game, where you win at the expense of Others.

It's not as easy as I make it sound.
I make it sound easy because that's the best way
to make you believe I try to be simple, try to be humble,
try to be smart.
But trust me, it's really not.

It's not much of a big deal, really.
Using your words to win people over,
having to twist your words so they mold
perfectly into things
people want to hear.
What you all want to believe, I give.

This feels almost unreal to me.

-

'A good king knows how to lie well, and make people believe all is smooth, through his confidence, be it fake, or not.'

A simple quote from some war show that I've been watching.
Sometimes, I think it's because of my cunning ways.
Asset to some? (Accd to Sue Lastrie)
Sometimes I know it's because I asked for it.
I created this whole mess myself.
At least the issues I create aren't over stupid
nonsensical issues that doesn't really count in the RealW.

I'm in the most foul mood now, really.

Okay I have a whole list of things to do this Holiday,
so for now,
no more going out.

& Praise ye' the Lord,
I've found my 1k sponsor.

Fri, 09 May 2008 17:41:11 GMT

Nathaniel Judias Muthu

-

I'm feeling sticky and irritated.
Spend 1/2 my time outside waiting and bumming around lately.
Nothing too grand.

My tolerance is getting better though, I swear.

Buddy just got his stupid hair shaved,
he looks very cute.

Went to Julie/iefa's exhibition at Scape,
before that, waited around at Suntec for an hour or so.
After that, went to HMV to find jiajia,
and we encountered an awkwardly funny dancing phenomenon?

Btw, typos are really indie,
and you'd find a lot on my lj :\

I'm losing interest in a lot of things.

GOOD NIGHT.

Fri, 09 May 2008 05:51:02 GMT

Sometimes, when you lose friends too often,
you'll come to realise, it's only because you can no longer
relate to them, or you don't respect them any longer.
And it's surprising that it happens almost every week for me.
I actually, have, that, many, friends???

Well, okay not really.

But things have come to a standstill for me,
where I get so sickened by the thought of KNOWING and
being able to PREDICT that's going to happen next,
what xxx is going to say next, what their reaction will be,
that I don't bother any longer.

People bitch generally because the other party
isn't on the same wavelength as them,
maybe because they don't understand why they do things this
or that way.
And I'm quite certain it can't possibly be because everyone's changing
ALL AT ONCE, that's why I'm reacting this way.
It must just be me.

Surprisingly I told a certain someone today
to think with her heart, and not her mind.
Not something I'd generally say, especially when I
feel a little offset attachment (shouldn't be) to her.
Being the typical jerk that I am, I wouldn't want
anyone to be happy.
After awhile,
you'd realise everyone handles things similarly.
Not the same, but similar.

And you know that through the SIMILAR ways they think and react,
the same reaction and process would be gone through AGAIN.
Regret after regret after regret.
Why didn't I choose this? Why did I choose that instead?

And I'm so sick of having to go through this process,
even though with different beings.
But to be honest?
I'm trying to get people to change their route,
because they have someone they love, because they love that someone,
and if you use your heart to think, everything would go well.

And for now, I don't love anyone,
and I'm glad I've got my mind off specified people.
It was hard because I've always had someone to love.
But once you get out of it,
you'd realise, you don't need anyone more than your parents and a close friend or two.
Emotional quotent just falls in place straight after.

Probably a blessing because I have more time for myself,
something that I've been in lack off for a really long time.
And through these amount of time that I've given myself,
I realise I actually have the ability to control a lot of bullshit around me,
and eat desserts at Tian Tian with Jialing twice a week,
rot at the rooftop 4 times a week,
send 5-6 proposals a week,
sleep as early as I want without having to worry someone would get upset/pissed,
eat whereever I want, without having to think if the person likes the place or not,
go whereever I want without reporting..
Things just get better.

However, because of this,
I know (and I don't intend to do anything about it yet) that I don't
care about a lot of people now.
It's not just a verbal thing,
but it's really clear because I would always use to ask
around what's going on who's dating what and who and what and how..
and seriously?
now?
I feel quite out of place sometimes,
but I don't feel the need to fit in through means of gossip?
It's really stupid.
I'm doing fine with just bitching ;)

-

Work has been good for me,
finally I'm stopping job at the Cafe,
and going to pursue almost full-time my workshops.
Going to be a not so but fulltime art teacher in a sec school
in June :]
adios